at my doorstep

Picture Me

2008-09-07T22:57:00.000-07:00

Sisters graduated!

One fine day, the Yeo Family went to Picture Me (studio) to picture us!

The best looking: Nike

The second best looking: Dad

The worst looking: Oscar!!!

am now

2008-09-07T18:11:00.000-07:00

Have you ever felt like going somewhere so much that you think of the place day and night? Images of this place just keeps popping up. Not only images, but the weather, the smell all dances infront of you?

I have. I am now.

*close my eyes and teleport myself there.

Talking about journeys...

In life, there are many paths that you can take. Each path will lead you to a different path and each different turn you make along the way will lead you to your destination. Along the way, you pick up friends, experiences and you lose some friends and keep some. Although, U-turns are possible. It is sometimes to tiring to make such U-turns (even if they are worth it).

I chose a certain path of life at the age of 15. And since then, i have lost some friends. But i found better ones. much better ones.

No regrets.

I trust in you God that you are going to make all the relationships in my life beautiful.

2008-01-27T21:06:00.000-08:00

This is the confidence we have in approaching you: that if we ask anything according to your will, you hear us. And if we know that you hear us, I know that i have we i asked of you.

How often do i ask? I realise that i only ask when i am in trouble. But that is not too smart of me right? And i also tend to ask for things that i experience a tangible need for..

From today onwards, help to pray according to your will. That you teach me to approach you with confidence that you will hear me and give to me what i ask of you, if its according to your will.

So what is your will Lord? A will is an instruction, a decision made. Is it your will that i would pray to know your will?

2007-03-08T08:06:00.000-08:00

I am happy. so Happpie.. Happyness.
For God just wiped my tears. For He changed my fears to faith.

When i place my security in other things, i will just end up feeling worried and unsettled. Cos these things are unpredictable (like me mood).

excerpt from my journal :
[ .. thinking about my career and my future. I am afraid Lord that i am not capable enough, that i am not attractive enough, that i am not good enough. Please help me, Lord. Somtimes my mom thinks this way of me too. Help me not to be affected. I feel inferior, i feel insecure, worried and sometimes frustrated. I am afraid to request and ask anything from my parents (though i know they love me and will give to me). But i feel bad....

.. God i ask that you change my heart and take away my fears. All the lies from the devil. strengthen my emotions and my mind that i may feel and think your ways, your work and your thoughts. To trust in you. Teach me faith. Help me feel the leading of your hands. Help to heal my hurt heart. Teach me to look higher and to trust in you.

.. More of your face and your glory in my life..

Open the doors too. Help me find the keys to locked doors you want me to open. And trust you through doors that are closed. In your timing]

'MY GRACE IS MORE THAN ENOUGH FOR YOU.' more than enough indeed Lord.

more than enough.

learning to breathe

2007-03-08T07:31:00.000-08:00

300 hundred was the number.

its a really moving show. stirring. the fighting was so cool. the strategies, the courage, the valor and the bodies (both of the spartans and the mulititudes of dead) were so captivating.

after the movie, i came back into normal, singaporean studying girl mode and i felt that my life was really so boring. so un-happening.this surreal feeling lasted for half hour at least.

its a 6 star movie and a good one to catch. one thing to note is that there is little comic relief. we may be cringing the whole time. and your heart may be gripped for half the time. So learn to breathe.

I learn to breathe too. Today, was talking to 'him' about how the apprehension i feel towards work. my fear of not getting a job. and my fear of wat my mom will say to me. its true that i tend to worry about something that has not even happened yet. matthew 6 will help me to breathe. the lilies do not labor and spin. but You clothe them with colors and beauty.

Father, i am learning to breathe. in you.

I love you Lord. For all that you have done for me. For all that you give to me. For all that you think about me. For your love for me. I am grateful.

Protect me and keep me healthy Lord that my life can be an offering unto you.

In all i do, i breathe in you. (REMAINING In you)

snippets in my heart

2007-03-01T09:03:00.000-08:00

i realise that its time to breathe life into my blog.

i wanna complain about the spam at my tag board.

I hope someone can help me get rid of it. They sure do talk a whole load of crap.

i am reading Luke now. today was on luke 10.

one interesting fact is that when Jesus told his disciples not to take a purse or bag or scandals, and do not greet nyone on the road. I previously did not really understand why he said that. maybe he wanted them to be careful.. but i realised today that he wanted them to hurry!!

(20) however do not rejoice that the spirits submit to you, but reoice that your names are written in heaven

When i am experiencing God's power and presence in me or through me, i have a tendency to have spiritual pride. Its so easy to direct praise to myself. need to have some re-direction!

Check out Martha. She is one unhappy gal. She is busy, distracted, worried, upset. I am sure she was not happy with God and pissed off with her sister and certainly she feels that God is not being fair to her. She was really working quite hard to get someone to notice her. Martha is one unhappy gal.

Sounds like me many times. "dont you care God that ... "

Only ONE thing is NEEDED: listening to what he said. Not the doing but the being.

re-visiting doors. and window shopping!

2006-09-27T11:09:00.000-07:00

The house with many doors.

About 8 years ago, i opened up the front door to my house. Its quite a big door and it allows visitors, special guests to come in. They can come in and hang around. I am fine with it. Then gradually through the years. I opened up more doors, my study room door, where i learn to surrender this area, my kitchen, where i learn to serve more and more, my back yard, where i learn to give up my play and hobbies when its necessary. My bedroom door, is my private life, its my inner core. I think that door, i open and close quite often. Open close open close open close. Are you confused? Thank you for your patience.

The thing about window shopping. When you have no money, or no intention to buy something. You go window shopping! Just look see look see. Touch. Check out the price. See if got better deals. The style, the fashion, whether it appeals to you.
THe next stage is where you have selectively selected a few shops or a few piece of clothing where you really want to consider buying. This is the stage where you visit the fitting room. Try it on, the quality, the cutting, the fit, do you have things at home that match well with it. does it meets the function that you want it to meet.
Lastly, is making the purchase. i usually sleep on it. especially, on expensive things. On making the purchase, the feeling is really great! its just fantastic! haha..

When that day comes. :)

a post that waws drafted awhile ago but forgot to post it out

2006-09-22T02:51:00.000-07:00

There is a time and place to enjoy everything good that God has created. Fruits are plucked when they are ripe. mmmm.. strawberries and cherries. Food are eaten when cooked. Ice cream are eaten when cold. Taking something good in the wrong timing and context would spoil the fullness of the good initially intended. To wait for the ripe time is the good time.

Just manage to get some rest as i sit here in the library bloggin while matthew works happily on his term paper. Its quite tiring to feel so many different emotions at one time. its can be quite distressin

ennui is a feeling of weariness and dissatisfaction

2006-09-13T09:27:00.000-07:00

anyway, this is to not my friends,

STOP STUFFING MY BLOG WITH STRANGE TAGS AND WEBSITES! ARE YOU SOME BUG OR VIRUS! JUST GO AWAY K! WHAT EVER OR WHO EVER YOU ARE, I HOPE YOU UNDERSTAND ENGLISH AND JUST MOVE ON!

ok hope that worked.

To re-emphasize, friends please continue tagging. Its fine.

2006-09-13T08:35:00.000-07:00

God has not promised skies always blue
flower-strewn pathways all our lives through
God has not promised sun without rain
joy without sorrow, peace without pain.
But God you promise me strength for my day
Rest during my labour
Light for my way
Grace through my trials
Help from above
Unfailing sympathy
and your undying love

You never disappoint me.
You are never late.
You dun have to ask me but you know.
You never hurt my feelings.
You never say 'no' to me for selfish reasons.
You always have time for me.
You always give yourself to me.
You are there when i need you.
You send me friends when i need them.

I am most important to you.

I dun want to cancel on you.
I dun want to disappoint you.
I always want you.
I always want to love you.
I always want to please you.
I always want to talk to you.
and be with you.
I dun want to lose you.

You are important to me. More than i will ever know or understand.

My experiences in my life and others teaches me about you.

2006-08-20T07:24:00.000-07:00

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

maybe i should go and do something about it now.

2006-08-01T10:23:00.000-07:00

the brown bench.

i like to sit on the top of the brown bench. (its those kind of picnic bench- table and long bench attached into one) i think i like it cos the place is quite dark but not too dark. people can see me there if they look hard enough. but if they do not, they will miss me. =D

i like to sit on the top of my thoughts. (its those kind of thoughts that you have about self, others and God. and thoughts about the thoughts you have too) I realise that i like to let my thoughts be known to others, but not totally. People can see me if they look hard enough. but if they do not, they will miss me. =D its the same for everyone i guess..

tonight i had some psycho friends over for dinner. it began late. ended late. i had a girl, a boy and a goofy that came. the food was bad. the fun was ok. the fellowship was good. i am glad that i got psycho friends that sings about God like i do. cheerios to 'clean' friends!

tmr is the day i will be falling in love. not going for just a date, not even a double date but its 8 people with their dates! gosh! thats quite a date that no one should miss rite? if not you might as well be dead. (ok failed attempt to make things rhyme)

it is you.
it is you.
it is you that i love.
it is you.
my Lord and king
i long to know and be known.

help me to know that.
that it is you.

2006-07-30T23:21:00.000-07:00

dancing
immeasurable
singing
absorbed
pear
paddle
obvious
invigorating
nestling
time
meddlesome
eggs
nestling
touch

happens often. to self. to others. with self. with others. and with You.
its hard to understand. it leads to jumbled up thoughts and feelings.

these words mean nothing on their own. but it represents jumbled-ness stemming from a start.

opposites and a story

2006-07-30T22:17:00.000-07:00

Jars of Clay. Treasures.
Mourning. Rejoicing.
Dead bones. Life to the fullest.
Temporary. Eternal.
Fleeting pleasures. Eternal Glory.
Hell. Heaven.
Heavy laden. Garment of praise.
Hungry. Feast (the greatest of fare)
Ashes. Beauty.
I. You.

The first word of each pair is what i face in my life.
Even though i may know You.
I may not really know You.

'TASTE and SEE that the Lord is good.'
The second word of eacch pair is what i face in my life.
When head knowledge moves to heart knowledge.
When i know You.

I delight myself in the richest of fare. Trading all that i have for all that is better.

A friend told me what i going to write next: (but i will write it in my own words)

You introduce yourself to someone that you do not know well. Talk about surface things. 'Hi, my name... ' ' i study where.. work where... live where... family .. etc.' God has to introduce himself to some people too, 'I am the Lord your God, the God of abram etc..' Further into relationship, people stop introducing themselves and talking about surface things. Because you already know the person. It gets really BORING if you still have to go thru your whole life history again. Do you not think so? Some people to the extent that they no longer address the person by name. The name no longer has a function. Because you know the person behind the name.

You say to me *knowlingly and tenderly,

Do you know me better now?

2006-07-26T01:32:00.000-07:00

I am trying very very VERY hard to stiffle my laughter. serious. i am in the office with people working really hard while i am looking up what exciting modules NUS offers to NUS students for this coming semester.

I am one amused NUS student. The modules are out of this world literally. But they can be quite functional.

If you need something to mull over, consider this module

Stochastic Processes I
Module Description :
This module introduces the concept of modelling dependence and focuses on discrete-time Markov chains. Topics include discrete-time Markov chains, examples of discrete-time Markov chains, classification of states, irreducibility, periodicity, first passage times, recurrence and transience, convergence theorems and stationary distributions. This module is targeted at students who are interested in Statistics and are able to meet the pre-requisites.

If you need a bed time story, this is top of the charts

Surface Physics
Module Description :
This module provides an introduction to surface physics, its techniques and applications. The topics include: surface tension, surface crystallography, surface physical processes such as relaxation, reconstruction and defects, surface chemical properties, surface segregation, surface electronic structures including surface states, band bending, dipole layer, work function, core-level-shifts, Fermi level pining, plasmon, and surface vibrational properties. Experimental techniques, such as LEED, RHEED, XAS, SEXAFS, XPS, UPS, AES, SIMS and EELS, will be also addressed with examples and applications. This module is targeted at physics or materials science students, who have a basic knowledge of quantum mechanics and solid state physics.

( ok at this point, i am choking on my seats, hyperventilating. stiffle stiffle)

If you need something to laugh at, dun miss this one

Thin Film Technology
Module Description :
The scope of the course embraces the basic principles of thin-film deposition techniques such as chemical vapor deposition and physical vapor deposition as well as their applications in the microelectronics industry. The basic principles include vacuum technology, gas kinetics, adsorption, surface diffusion and nucleation. These are the fundamental features which determine the film growth and the ultimate film properties. Common thin-film characterization methods which measure film composition and structure as well as mechanical and electrical properties are also covered. This course is for senior (SERIOUSLY) physics students with an interest in pursuing a career in industry.

And if you ever lose your way, dun worry there is

Topology
Module Description :
The objective of this module is to give a thorough introduction to the topics of point-set topology with applications to analysis and geometry. Major topics: topological spaces, continuous maps, bases, subbases, homeomorphisms, subspaces, sum and product topologies, quotient spaces and identification maps, orbit spaces, separation axioms, compact spaces, Tychonoff's theorem, Heine-Borel theorem, compactness in metric space, sequential compactness, connected and path-connected spaces, components, locally compact spaces, function spaces and the compact-open topology

hmmmm.. check out the name of this module. it is both advance but also ordinary. wonder how the students will end up. "Advanced Ordinary Differential Equations"

this is the life of a NUS student

2006-07-21T12:01:00.000-07:00

may you take away the unease in me
heart mind soul dun know how to feel
maybe i should stop it all
once and for all

* i cant find while you were sleeping

2006-07-20T21:09:00.000-07:00

i feel like getting in touch with someone. but i know i should not.

so i shall get in touch with the person and tell the person my thoughts here.

how are you?
did things work out the way you want them to?
did you enjoy yourself?
why did you say that to your friend?

God bless and keep you. you are one strange friend in my life. hmmm.. maybe not even a friend.

2006-07-20T19:46:00.000-07:00

have you ever felt like you dont want to do anything but just rest?

have you ever felt like you dont want to make things better but wanted to be dwell in the feeling of misery? (its addictive)

have you ever felt like you want the day to just pass so quickly and for night to come?

have you ever been so happy that you dont want the moment to ever go away?

have you ever liked something so much that when you lose it you think of it day and night?

have you ever recieved a message or a call but dun know how to reply to the person?

have you taken bus and seen a person pee not once but twice on the seat?

have you watched a movie in GV for $2 before?

i have.

*this is add some sporradic moments to my monotonous regular day
i just applied calm water on my surroundings

2006-07-18T01:46:00.000-07:00

Mercy is not getting what i deserve.
I deserve to pay for my sins. I deserve to pay the consequences of all the wrong i have done against God and others. I recieve mercy. I do not get what i deserve.

Grace is getting what i do not deserve.
You gave me parents that love me DEEEEPS (though they may not express it)
You gave me my favourite sister (cos she is my only sister)
You gave me a great extended family to enojy.
You gave me good friends to love.
You gave me people to lead me in your ways.
You gave me people to love, to help, to cry, to laugh, to play, to dance with me.
You gave me a family of God.
You gave me Nike
and you gave me Oscar.
You gave me a church with a great vision to serve in.
This is your grace to me, for i am not worthy.

Grace+Mercy= Your kindness

*listening to sanctuary

when my world was in darkness
you spoke your word and night turn into day
Your beauty fill this place.
When my world was in silence
you filled my heart with songs that never end
Forever i will praise

To think that the universe could not withold your glory
you chose to live in me
I'm so amazed
and i worship you Lord, My life in you restored
Here is my heart make it your sanctuary
for nobody else but Jesus only you.

Psalms 8:3-4 When i consider your heavens and the works of your fingers, the moons and the start, which youhave set in place, what is man that you are mindful of him, the son of man that you care for him?

-You are kind. To me.-

Isa54:!0 Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet [your] unfailing love for [me] will not be shakened, nor my covenant of peace be removed.

- You are kind. To me-

Thy loving kindness is better than life. May my life be filled with loving kindness for others.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. For your kindness.
To me.

2006-07-17T19:02:00.000-07:00

Ingredients to waiting:

steadfastness, that is holding on;
patience, that is holding back;
expectancy, that is holding the face up;
obedience, that is holding one's self readiness to go or do;
listening, that is holding quist and still so as to hear.

How long more must i wait?
-Never mind child, trust me.-

2 strange things happened this morning.

the first i expected but not so early. good thing i was prepared. but not fully prepared for the pain that it be bringing me. ok if you thinking about emotions, you are wrong. its something physiological.

the second i never expected at all. a surprise sms. one long lost friend. linked to a bible school. and now its just strange.

mornings. toilets. phone calls. books. pictures. wondering. waiting. slow.

*looks around table. nothing of significance.

once again bemused at worklife

2006-07-17T02:09:00.000-07:00

where do i go from now?

why is this happening to me again?

how long more?

how long more.

Patience is not natural for me. I would prefer instant gratification anytime, anywhere. I am not long suffering.
Patience is not natural for me. I am quick to judge, quick to speak, quick to say my piece. I am not loving sometimes.
Patience is not natural for me. I would like to know the answer now. I want to know what will i be doing, going and will be. Do i not have the right? i am asking already. why have you not answered? I am unable to trust.
Patience in not natural for me. Why is this happening to me ago? why do i have to deal with this again? why do you have to do this to me again? I am not forebearing. I am proud.

I must be able to suffer for long. I must grow to be loving. I must learn to trust. I must humble myself.

For the Lord is not slow. He is not too fast either. The Lord is soverign and He is always just on time. 'Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him,' for i know that ' a patient man has great understand but one who is hasty in spirit is foolish, because,' the end fo the matter is better than its begining and patience is better than pride.'

I am going to enjoy waiting from this day forth.

*both hands on the table with my head propped onto of it and listening to 'my source'

highly bemused that i spent the whole day doing nothing but talking to God, reading the Bible, talking to people and helping some people. Maybe i have learnt some patience in this job, when i first began, waiting for 6pm is sometimes heart wrenching and nerve breaking. but now, waiting for 6pm is waiting actively.

2006-07-16T21:03:00.000-07:00

About 6 years ago, my parents decided to buy a dog. So we went dog shopping. At our very first stop, i saw this puppy. I knew that was the one for me. He was playful but mild. He likes to balance on his hind legs and jump up and down in joy. I wanted him very badly but i did not say it out. (this is very like me) My Parents and i went to some other shops, we saw some other puppies but none made me feel the way i did with the first one. My parents was considering, as that puppy was 2k. very expensive. I wanted the puppy very badly. I was restless for two whole nights. 2 days later, my parents called me and said that someone else bought the puppy already. I cried. I cried sorrowfully. I was very very unhappy. I treated the puppy as mine already.

The good news was that my parents lied to me. The puppy is now called Nike.

I hated how i felt that day. I felt so let down. I felt like someone took wat wat mine. when it was actually not. I am feeling like this today. I lost some things in my life lately. ALthough i instruct myself the right perspective and way to look at these loses, i still feel miserable. Mostly because i am afraid. I am afraid that God will continue to allow things to be taken away from me. Things that matter to me. This was what happened to Job. Will it happen to me too?

Maybe the trick is to not hold on so tightly to things except God? Maybe the trick is to hang on loosely to all other relationships and tangibles?

Pls do not take '----' away.I do not want to let go of '-----'. But let your will be done. I will say this like Jesus cried out to have the cup being taken away from him, but not his will but yours be done.

Naked i come from my mother's womb. Naked shall i depart.
The Lord gives and the Lord takes. May the name of the Lord be praised.

Letting go. Letting God.

2006-07-11T20:04:00.000-07:00

One night I woke up in the middle of the night. I was not really troubled about anything, but was wide-awake. Then my mind begins to think wander and drift. Then I found myself getting restless, fearful and worrying. Now I have been down that path before of how it can wrestle my spirit down. It has been said, "physical labor is not as tiring as mental labor”. I have found that to be so true.

As I lay there, the Spirit of God said, "rest in the Lord”. a physical body will get so tired, if it does not find a place to rest, it will drop. when the flesh body finds a place to sit down, take some water and food, it begins to get strength back. All because it took time to rest. Your spiritual man also gets tired. The mind can get so overworked until you have a "spiritual tiredness”. You must find a resting place, drink from God's Well and eat from the Heavenly Table. Then you will regain strength to go a little further in this Spiritual Journey.

Peace to me is to be at rest. A person that is not at rest is a person that does not trust. A person that does not trust will not have peace.
Isa 26:3 You will keep i perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast (mind is stayed on you), because he trusts in you.

The solution to a life without peace is to find rest in God. Matt 11:28-30 come to me, all you who are weary (labored) and burdened (heavy laden), and i will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me for i am gentle and lowly in heart. Do not let your hearst be troubled and do not be afraid.

Its not the end of the world, because the world is not the end.

2006-07-11T02:04:00.000-07:00

Someone once noted that when young children wake up in the middle of the night, afraid because of a thunderclap or a nightmare, the child will cry out, "Mommy, Daddy!" Good parents typically respond to this cry by answering back, "It's all right, it's all right." What is that which we say to our children? Those words "It's all right"? It is either a grand lie or the dearest of all truths.

John 6:33 Take heart! For I have over come the world.
In another words, our Father says, 'It's all right.'

It's all right! All right! All is(will be) right! With this, i know that i can overcome the world. Phil4:4 Rejoice in the Lord ALWAYS. and again i will say it again: REJOICE!
and YET another in Hab 3:17-18 Though the fig three do not bud and there are no grapes on the vine... YET, I will REJOICE in the Lord, I will be joyful in the Lord.'

Joylessness is a sign. Its a state of mind. Joy is about being thoughtful and not just about a feeling. To consider it pure joy, is to rationally think of it as pure joy.. Joy remains in sadness, unlike happiness. Happiness contributes to Joy. Sadness contributes to joy.

Joy murderers:
1. tiredness
Neh 8:10 The joy of the Lord is your strength
2. sin
Psalms 51:10-12 grant me a willing spirit to sustain me
3. purposeless
Psalms 16:8-11 I have set the Lord always before me, because He is at my right (stronger) hand, I will not be shaken.
4. not filled by the spirit
Romans 15:13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy... with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Holy Spirit can continue to birth new joy in our heart as i read your word and keep in step with you. When your words came, I ate them; they were my joy and my heart's delight. Joy is the most evident when it seemingly should not belong there. I know that I can continue to rejoice through my darkest moments, my most painful moments, my happiest moments.

because you said:

--------------------------------------------

"It's all right."

2006-07-09T23:45:00.000-07:00

This is the start to meaningful working days. Yay!!! there is three things that i will be doing during my working days of the week (monday to wednesday)

1. i will be detoxing myself. so i will drink heaps of water. This is going to cause me to be urgent and hence i can take walks to the toilet too to release my urgency and work some muscles. hopefully at least once every hour.

2. I will be starting a spirit filled tamar series. so i will be doing the fruit of the spirit. this fruit has 9 parts to it. so its going to take 3 weeks in total for me to finish this series. today is going to be about love.

3. i will be taking my lunch hours to pray for self, for people that God brings to mind and also for the freshman. the funny thing is that i like to pray on the highest floor of the building at the stair way. and there is this old uncle who is always sleeping there at lunch hour. maybe one day i will walk up to him and ask to pray for him!

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LOVE

Loving God is the greatest commandment. Loving God is the ultimate motivator in all that we do in our lives. But i do not seems to love God alot. Mostly this is because, God is not as tangible as i would like him to. He does not answers me audibly, he does not touch me physically. But this does not mean that He cannot. It just means He does this in other ways. ( I am still trying to find out why). So on the topic of HOW CAN ONE FALL IN LOVE WITH GOD MORE AND MORE?

here are some random thoughts. not in any particular order of importance. thank you to those who contributed to all these insights.

1. Knowing God leads to Loving God

knowing what he has done. knowing what he is doing. knowing what he will keep doing. i realise that when i read the Word, God assures us of his character, his love, his choice, that He is able to meet all our needs and that He is actually the only one who is able to do so. Experiences like answered prayers of the past leads to a faith in the present and the future. I guess, for me and maybe for you too, i enjoy God the most when i do things that i enjoy with Him. like taking walks, going to beach, going to cafe, reading and watching movies, spending time with good friends. I need to plan more secret get aways because it is true that when one recalls and reflects, i will know the heart of the giver. i am amazed. even when i am not walking right with Him, he takes care of all my needs, what more when i seek him with all my being.

2. Praying for divine love to increase

Romans 5:5 and Hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us.

When i pray, God will increase my love for him. This is divine. This is from God. This is the working of the holy spirit. As i continue to consider His work in my life, this will birth into new joy and new spirit. As i read his word, new insights refresh and renew my mind. At the present, as i am walk life with the spirit, i will experience his presence and his realness. This is the difference between divine and human love i reckon.

On the note of realness, i realize that when someone is vulnerable to me and discloses and trust me, i love this person more. Jesus was vulnerable to me. He showed me with what He said before He went to the cross. I should resolute to be more real in my life to those around me that i love.

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I guess when I love God more and more, i will exhibit more love in my life too. And loving God more is both the result of my doing and also God's doing. its 100% God and 100% me!

i want to be emotionally dependent on God.

Psalms 63 was the prayer of my heart today. 1 Chr 22:19 teaches me that i should tread carefully, and not to be careless, to frequent His presence.

'on my bed i will remember you, i think of you through the watches of the night.'
may the memories of you come to me more and more.

listening

2006-06-27T23:46:00.000-07:00

* listening to japanese songs
* drinking warm water
* tears in the eyes from yawning too much

i am sitting at my desk and my next cubicle boss has a figurine of an angel with one finger to her lips (the shhh.... action) propped on the dividers between both of us. and then i thought about listening. to my real needs, to others and to God.

i realise something, its hard to speak and to listen at the very same time. you can only do one at a time. speaking and listening are both communication. i think speaking is not only with words but with our actions and also our thoughts. So its possible to be silent and not be listening.

That is probably one of my problems when i listen.whether its to God or to my friends. i may seem to be listening, but may not be really actually listening. the root of it all is self centeredness. so i am resoluting to listen more and shut up more.

2006-06-26T18:57:00.000-07:00

the time now is 10am. the time now is 10am. THE TIME NOW IS 10AM.!!! i am half dead already and its still only 10am! gosh.. how am i going to spend the rest of the day at work. or how can i even last till lunch break..

Lunch break is a time where i can just do what i want to do and actually this is already lunch time for me. Cos i am not doing any work but just wasting for time to pass and hence decided to blog.

ok! i am going to redang on sunday!! this is prob the highlight of the week ahead. besides all the matches that are going around and of course alpha on friday. I hope thinking and writing aobut these exciting things would wake me up. (going to the toilet is more exciting than my job) can you imagine it.

Beach Bummer Checklist
1. shades, sun hat
2. sun screen, aloe after sun
3. blanket, towels
4. clothes and scandals
5. snacks and water
6. beach umbrella and a good book
7. camera and good looks

red and yellow and pink and green, purple and orange and blue. i can sing a rainbow, sing a rain bow , sing a rainbow tune.

that when you see the rainbow its a sign of my covenant of love for you. may i see rainbows everday then!

2006-06-22T21:57:00.000-07:00

i missed brazil match!!! not because i had no time to watch, not because i dun have the world cup channel, not because i was tired but because i thought it was today instead of last night! silly me. so blur..

anyway, most people regret actions in the short run and regret inaction in the long run. but for last night, i think it was an exception, cos i will regret this inaction!

anyway, stumbled upon another version of the foot prints. its about dancing! i always have this secret fantasy to dance with people i love, to enjoy life, to dance through life!! so thats why i will carry my dogs sometimes and make them dance with me (usually they wear either a pain expression or a bored expression)..

Imagine you and the Lord Jesus are walking down the road together. ForMuch of the way, the Lord's footprints go along steadily, consistently,rarely varying the pace. But your footprints are a disorganized streamof zigzags, starts, stops, turnarounds, circles, departures and returns.For much of the way, it seems to go like this, but gradually yourfootprints come more in line with the Lord's, soon paralleling Hisconsistently. You and Jesus are walking as true friends!This seems perfect, but then an interesting thing happens: Yourfootprints, the ones that once etched the sand next to Jesus', are nowwalking precisely in His steps. Inside His larger footprints are yoursmaller ones, safely you and Jesus are becoming one. This goes on formany miles, but gradually you notice another change.The footprints inside the larger footprints seem to grow larger.Eventually they disappear altogether. There is only one set offootprints; they have become one. This goes on for a long time, butsuddenly the second set of footprints is back.This time it seems even worse! Zigzags all over the place. Stops.Starts. Deep gashes in the sand. A veritable mess of prints! You areamazed and shocked... Your dream ends.Now, you pray: "Lord, I understand: The first scene with zigzags fits. Iwas just learning to follow you. But you walked on through the storm andhelped me learn to walk with you.""That is correct.""... and when the smaller footprints were inside of Yours, I wasactually learning to walk in Your steps; following you very closely.""Very good. You have understood everything so far.""...when the smaller footprints grew and filled in Yours, I suppose thatI was becoming like you in every way.""Precisely.""So, Lord, was there a regression or something?! The footprintsseparated, and this time it was worse than at first."There is a pause as the Lord answers with a smile in his voice. "Youdidn't know? That was when we danced."

"To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven:A time to weep, a time to laugh; A time to mourn, and a time to dance."Ecclesiastes 3:1,4.

I want to dance with you. Give me friends and people to dance with too different seasons of my life. Bless me with a dance partner. :)

2006-06-22T09:44:00.000-07:00

this is an attempt to clean off some of the dust that has rested on my blog since i have not blogged for some time.

my friend suggested that i blog about my week. bascially it can be categorized into two different sections. day and nights.

days: mon - wed: work. (nothing to say about that. because nothing happened)
thurs: stayed home
* days are totally boring. i just keep loooking at the time to wait for time to pass and pretend to look busy.

at this point, i must talk about the art of looking busy when you are not. Its reallly DIFFICULT! firstly, you cannot do your own things blatantly so you must think of creative ways to do your own things. for e.g. minimize all windows, dim the screen, put the lappie at an angle where people cant really see much, always keep survilience, go to the toilets many time, read the same email many times, do watever work the boss give super slowly, to the point of anal perfection. i should think that by the end of the month, i would be able to get a Phd in it.

nights: mon-thurs: SOW (alot to say about it, because alot happened)

so at this point, i will just say that the new people that i meet everyday is very different, except for my crazy cg people who remains the same. it was fun livin lifes together. every single person cept for one that we met are registering for alpha. YIPPPEEE! am sure the last one will to. just that had no chance to bring it up as yet.

days============art of looking busy
nights===========really quite busy

ok this is quite a futile attempt to wipe off the dust.

2006-06-17T09:54:00.000-07:00

cushions. wat a nice sounding name to a word. cushion! *cush cush. it sounds like something soft and cushy. i like the word. and i like what it does for me too. i have many many cushions at home. some big, some small. some in the living room, some in the bedroom. some lying around (when i forget to bring it back to where it originates) some are dirty, some are clean. some are square. actually all are square except for one sheep! they come in differnt colours too.

cushs when the floor is hard. cushs to make the place look more cushy. cushs to shield (when i am dressed inappropiately and there are surprise visitors at my place). *cushs when i feel like i need a hug. i use them sometimes to cry on. i use them sometimes when i feel lonely. so sometimes friends are like cushions! someone once said that if you can have at least 3 people that you can share heart to heart with in your life. you are blessed with good friends. i am more than blessed. because i can think of more than 3 'cushions'

at this moment, i am thinking why i am talking about this on my blog. so i going to do some intrapersonal reflection now in different aspect. evaluations!

how i am feeling: relax, slightly bored, abit searching, abit restless, abit ..? haha unsure i guess
what i am doing: listening to ken hirai, blogging, converting oxygen to CO2, sitting on the floor leaning against the sofa, i am activating brain cells
what i am thinking about: i am wishing that i can be -----, i am wondering why i am so easily ----------, also why i am not -------.

so maybe what i blog about on cushions is not exactly what i am thinking about. so i use it as a form of distraction, a counter alternative, a possible way of looking at a matter, talk about a matter in a direct way, or many many other possible reasons.

but i guess the reason this time is that i do not want to write about what i am thinking about. haha.. so find something else to write about lo. but of course sometimes, the things that i write are true. its not always a smoke bomb.

everyone have to find ways to deal with their own quirks. with their own whimsy. this is one of my way i guess.

2006-06-16T21:44:00.000-07:00

today i woke up with a strange urge to eat fish and co's rice. am not hungry. just a crazy craving. had a really great time yesterday at welcome tea. it was heaps of fun meeting all the new people. they were all different. but it makes it all the more exciting does it not? i get to learn to be flexible and to talk to different kind of people.

the best thing was when i sense the cg uniting together to achieve a common purpose. it was very very uplifting to be of one common goal and agenda. to be accomplices in crime! lala..

then i met up with 3 old crazy friends.

then i met up with 1 friend.

then i met with 22 guys and a ball.

then i met with my bed.

"A voice of one calling in the desert, 'Prepare the way for the Lord, make straight paths for him. Every valley shall be filled in, every mountain and hill made low. The crooked roads shall become straight, the rough ways smooth. And all mankind will see God's salvation.' "

i think when i go to redang, i would want to spend some time to come up with a songs about journey and psalms 23.

squeaky clean shower

2006-06-15T02:56:00.000-07:00

many people know i am a huge HUGE fan of body shop. (ok this may come across as an under statement for some who know me better) i love the shower foam, the facial products, the body lotion, body scrub, body butter and lately i fell in love with the spa range. *sadly its too expensive for me. well.... one thing that body shop does not carry is bubble bath! the thing about me soaking in a tub is that i always feel that although it relaxes the body, you do not get clean. because you are just soaking in the same water for that whole time. so after soaking, i have to shower to get myself squeaky clean.

its very very obvious to me when i am dirty, sticky and becoming a possible fear causing element in fear factor. i get completely grossed out and i march to the bath room! i have to whip out my body scrub! the good thing is that i am also aware when my heart needs a squeaky spritual bath.i cant go for a bubble bath. cos the water is dirty. i need streams of flowing water! these are the some of the tell tale signs that i have. i must learn to identify them well. Create in me a new, clean heart, O God, filled with clean thoughts and right desires” (Psalm 51:10)

1. lack of spiritual hunger. or the non existence of it.
2. becoming negative. (being overly bothered about an issue, unable to trust)
“Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight” (Proverbs 3:5-6).
3. my heart strings no longer tugged by my maker but by something else of someone else
Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God” (Matthew 5:8)
4. i become restless and sian and sian and very sian (this is usually the motivating factor for me to go resolve things)

The heart is actually the very center of a person’s life. this includes your mind, your will and your emotions! for Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life” (Proverbs 4:23).

Dear Jesus, thank You that You’ve already forgiven my sins and have given me new life. But Jesus, I struggle in giving You complete control. Especially when it comes to ( ). But I know I can’t settle for only giving you 50 percent or even 98 percent of my life. I realize You want total control. You want full reign of my life.

I’ve received forgiveness for my sins, but I still find myself calling my own shots. will You forgive me God? I want to give You 100 percent. I yield right now to Your authority. You have Your way in my life OK? I give You my dreams, my relationships, my habits, my skills and abilities, my time, my money, my rights. I give it all!

I’m even giving You the unknown bundle — all the stuff in my life that I don’t even know about yet. The struggles I’ll have next week. That tough time I’ll encounter in a year. The friends I’ll have five years from now. I’m giving You control of my past, my present and my future.
Will You release the power of Your Holy Spirit within me? I want to live in Your power — not my own human strength. Cleanse me within and sanctify me. Help me to live a godly life in Your power.

Thank You, Jesus, for helping me surrender everything to You. When I start to pick this stuff up again, gently remind me that it’s no longer mine to hold. It’s Yours. Thank You, Jesus! Amen.

Oh yes one last thing, thank you for answering my prayer about the job. i knew that you would settle it for me. and you did! thank you thank you. ok.. Amen!

as you wish

2006-06-08T07:30:00.000-07:00

as you wish

so many times i do not understand the things you put me through. its hard on my feelings. to yearn for something that i know i should not.

as you wish

when you call me to serve you, and to give to you. many times you ask of me what i find it most difficult to give. i really should. but i take so long to mull and to struggle.

as you wish

i ask you for certain things. i really want them badly. and i think that you think its good for me too. i ask, sometimes you give. sometimes you do not. and i get upset, when i really should not.

as you wish

-------------------------------------------------

you watch me when i am awake
when i am up and about
sometimes i am aware of you
sometimes i notice you
but mostly i neglect
i forgot

you watch me when i am asleep
at my state of rest or even unrest in sleep
you watch me breathe
and counts the number of time i toss and turn
and feel such love for me

where ever i am
what ever i am doing
which ever moment
there is nothing i can do to make you love me even a little bit more

so with this, i say

as you wish

i really means to say

i love you.

so, as you wish

machines and readings

2006-06-06T23:51:00.000-07:00

today has been a long day at work. i could not sleep well during the night. was quite restless. seems to be not very at ease. woke up firstly due to the hot weather, then later, woke up when m sister was talking on the phone. after that i took some time to fall asleep again. wat a hassle.. so then, when i woke up at 0645am, i felt like i just feel asleep.

then the machines and the calibrators decided to go on a strike today. they refuse to work! yuhui and i spent about 3 hours trying to fix those machines. yikes.. but we ended the hectic morning by going for a nice lunch together. i caught her talking with her hubby. her pet name for him is really sweet! lala.. actually till now i still dun know wat it means lo.

anyway, i began on encounter for myself! haha... yesterday was day 1. there is difference between the holy spirit and Jesus. although, Jesus was God, he was fully man too! which means he had to work under certain limitations of man. whereas, now with the holy spirit, its a different story! i am excited to see the holy spirit working powerfully in my life. working powerfully within me. working powerfully from me. the force that raise Jesus up is the same force that lives within me today! i cannot wait to experience more of this inpouring and outworking in my life!

the problem with me and many people is that we can be quite easily distracted and affected by situations, people everyday and this results in different readings on our spiritual athena. i am trying to fix that to make it more reliable. tml!!!!! I GET TO GO TO YOUTH CAMP FOR ONE TEACHING!!! haha.. *flips, flops, dance, lance, lingo, bingo, dingo

one, two, three. one for something, two and something. three marks something! woooooooooooo

OooooOoOOoOooOoOOoOoOooOooOooOoOoOoo

happenings

2006-06-05T07:20:00.000-07:00

in the past few days. two unplanned, spontaneous thing happened.

happening sia..

on friday night, my sister called me at 7:15pm to tell me that she got two extra tickets for free to watch GREASE! it was showing at 8pm. so i called my friend and then both of us went down to watch GREASE together! it was so so so happening. to change, flag a cab and to coordiate in just that few minutes. but it was all worth it.

but the more happening thing is when my friend came to my place for dinner. nike pee-ed on him. he nearly stepped on oscar shit while trying to wash up. then he decided to wash up by putting his feet into the toilet bowl and flushing. ya i know.... i got a really strange friend.

then once again with this strange friend and two other not so strange friend. we went to peirce reservoir today. gosh! i never really expected that we will get to see something so beautiful in singapore! it was really great to catch the sunrise, picnic and to worship God there.. :)

but the more happening thing is that the 4 of us went to volunteer our services to help with the set up of the YMCA conference. so we became the 'new water gang' moved 40 000 new water, then factory line packing bags with heaps of booklets. it was reallly tiring, but it was fun to serve God in such a way too! i guess the funnest part was when i get to sit on this smelly trolley (hmmm.. maybe squat) and got pushed around. it was thrilling!!!!!

so these were the two happening things that happened. the next few days would be quite not so happening (going as plan), unless happenings decide to pay me a visit again.

this is how i want my spiritual life to be. happening! unexpected detours that is full of wonderful surprises and finding Him in everything i do. :)

running away and hide

2006-05-27T21:01:00.000-07:00

yesterday sermon was like a prelude to what i would be going through. ok so she told the story about the 12 cockcroaches that infested the kitchen. the whole clan of creepie xian qiangs. the effect was definitely disgust. for her, she takes out bygones and spray like mad. she attempts to vindicate, to eradicate, to eliminate the entire clan. if its me, i will be nowhere near in sight. i would have run away, far far away. far and away. this is my problem.

instead of working towards removing the cockcroaches. i would just run away from it. i will hide. it can take over the kitchen, it can rule over my room, i will run away and hide.

seriously, with all honesty, i am disgusted with the sin in my life. they are in no way pleasing to God. but in no way pleasing to me too. but sometimes, i just cant fight it, overcome it, bygone it. instead i run away, and not face it.

so in the same way that i prayed to be hungry, =p, i will now pray to have the desire to want to fight and to eradicate and not run away from it. maybe when i understand, the freedom of not being controlled and to be in fear and shame, i will be motivated?

may my ways be pleasing to you. thank you for loving me and using me, forgiving me even though i disappoint you so often. thank you for your grace and your merices that never fails. sometimes, i dun understand how you can see me the way you do. but that is maybe why you are God and i am not. help me not to lean not own my understanding, but lead me in your ways. i am doing this for you.

a new person would soon be found.

PIGGY BACK

2006-05-18T21:35:00.000-07:00

knowing that i am blessed is a beeeg blessing on itself.
i know it when i talk to you
i know it when i hear from you
i know it when you lift me up
i know it when you never change
you never leave, you are ever present
knowing that i am blessed is a beeeg blessing on itself

last night, i was lying on my bed. then i remembered a scene in raising helen, where helen leaped onto the back of pastor daniel and he piggy-backed her. i understand her joy. i understand how fun it is to be carried!

when i was younger, in the car on the way home, i like to pretend that i am asleep. so that i dun have to walk up myself but my father or my mother can carry me up. many times, when i am being carried up, i am smiling to myself. *secret smile.

when i was a little older, my friends and i like to play carry each other in school. we will piggy back each other as a test to see who is stronger. its fun to carry people around. but its more fun to be carried. the exhiliration and the thrill of complete trust in that friend to keep you up and not stumble and fall. *secret smile.

then i was thinking, God lifts us up! He carries us. He piggy backs me! What this means to me is that i no need to waste any energy on my own but that he is carrying me on his back. this somehow reminds me of how he carried the cross. carrying the heavy load, carrying my sins, carrying me. but before he can carry me, i must allow him. i must first take the first leap onto his back. to trust that he will catch me. to trust that he will not let me fall. to trust that soon he will let me down again to walk. does this reminds me of footprints by the sand.

i am being piggy back now! *secret smiles.

are you? he is ready for you. anytime. so LEAP ON!

thanksgiving

2006-05-13T07:47:00.000-07:00

so today i had a really interesting time. it was my ever first time counselling people for real! and this person has a real mental problem. so it was damn cool. scary too.. but as i have to keep to professional ethics. i cant really talk much about it.

anyway, before i met her, i had time alone to do some writing. something has been bugging me. and i dun like bugs. the real insect kinds. and metaphorical ones too.. so i was writing about this bug in my life.

then today sermon was really quite divine and timely. becuase it was an bug repellant. not only that, it was specifically for that very bug that is in my life. thank you lao pa once again. i know that you are in this together with me. although, no one else may know, but you know. i draw assurance from this knowledge.

tonje is here. tonje is here. TONJE IS HERE! YAHOO! She is the same. she looks the same. she smells the same. she talks the same. her spirit is the same! gosh! at first i was wondering how it would be to see her again. but it has been great for the past 5 hours. looking forward to the next 3 days together with her.

i am going to wave goodbye to my secret pinnings. or rather i am going to spray it farewell. ppppssssssssssssssssssssssssssss. to hell with it! lalalala... haha..

i learnt a lesson about self sufficiency today. and this lesson was though a visual picture. a visual image. its really interesting. i going to blog about it tml. so catch it if you can ok?! :)

noticing you in it all. the universe reveals who you are. looking the right way.

-_-

2006-05-08T00:26:00.000-07:00

i am here to release some irritation with myself and with computers. more the latter.

after a module in introduction to computing, my increase in knowledge of computers from the past is prob 1%. its PATHETIC! after downloading SPSS onto my lappie, i am unable to run it! gosh.. so useless rites. i am really a computer idiot la. or rather quite an IT idiot. and am not going to do anything about it.

finally moved the last of my stuff from 741. so my room in ridge view is no longer so messy. but i moved the mess to my study room. my table was so cluttered just now.

=p

2006-05-07T11:35:00.000-07:00

just got back from upper seletar reservoir. besides the fact that there were mosquitoes there and lizards to feed on these mosqitoes, it was really quite a nice place i must say. the water is quite still so can see reflection. there was a crane that could not make up its mind where it wanted to go too. but i guess the company there was good too. =p

it was a nice way to end my hectic weekend. suppering and scratching the itch away from my feet and legs. i will blog more about my weekend tml if i feel like it. but to sum it all up: yes i see you (Him) in it all. i do. i do. thank you.

now i am feeling tired. its setting in. the effect of the weekend. tml morning have to wake up early to go to NUS to pick up the remanents of the mess in room 741.

d-r-e-a-m

2006-05-05T23:33:00.000-07:00

do you believe that God speaks to us through dreams and vision? every night when you go to bed, do you dream? wat are your dreams about? Who places the dream there? I dun think its the big friendly giant from roald dahl right..

my friend bluff me. said that dreamt of me. i jolt out of bed and asked. WHAT WHAT?! because i am a person that believes that God speaks through dreams and vision. anyway, there was no dream. he just bluff me. second time le, first time when was he conned me into believeing that if i dun vote, i will have to go to jail.

the coolest dream i heard of from a person that i know is actually when i was in Norway. Elsa, Kjell's mom dreamt about the situation on hand in their town. it was really so divine. she dreamt about the parable of solomon and the two woman who were both claiming that the child is theirs. It was obvious so so obvious what God was trying to tell the people in Rorvik. it was so super cool! and i think it helped prevented the situation between the churches there from worsening. She was really a wise old lady. cool but abit spoookie too dun you think so?

i got another friend from NZ that dreams dream too. and got another one in singapore that dream dreams. sometimes i wish that they would dream something for me, but sometimes i wish they dun too. haha.. cant decide wat i want. its quite scary on their part too. to have to dream of people, and to try to interpret and help the people. God's messenger.

SEE! ITS GOOD TO SLEEP MORE! THEN YOU GET TO GET INTO MORE REM SLEEP AND DREAM. :) *wat a timely excuse for my all time favourite activity. this weekend dun think can sleep much. but its ok. next week i going to start to D-R-E-A-M.

p.s. i realise that when i blog. i talk to different people at different time. sometimes i talk to myself, sometimes i talk to anyone reading the blog, sometimes i talk to specific people, sometimes i talk to Him. one voice to different visitors at my doorstep.

2006-05-05T12:39:00.000-07:00

so it all began when calyn and sweeleong rallyed us to prepare a farewell dinner for kc, marcus and huichun.

3 exciting things happened in todays event.

1. we spent 5 hours cooking dinner. yes 5 hours! we started at 4:30pm and ended only at 9:30pm. by the time everyone finish everything plus dessert. it was about 12 midnight. gosh..

menu:
chicken with mushroom and red wine sauce
grilled tomatoes with cheese
rice and banana baked with cheese
beef soup
appetizers: fruit with lemon sauce
ice cream with crispy stuff

i was so so tired after cooking and washing. as i am bloggin now at 3:41am. i am still smelling like mushroom and chicken.

2. we had a romantic time at the roof garden. guan rui did the decor with candles (got blue color effect) and accompanied with fondue and fruits and also red wine. it was so nice. i got hot and red after just a short while. the sharing was really good. the people were sharing openly it was a great time of knowing each other bettter. am sure that after this night, we are closer.

3. i enjoyed washing up with huichun talking with me. thank you. i enjoyed the conversation alot.

for now i am going to go shower so that i can prepare myself to sleep and to vote tml! haha..

:)

the weekend has begun!

2006-05-04T22:14:00.000-07:00

i dun know why! but my thoughts keep running towards nature these recent days. think it has beeen toooo long that i have seen nature. thats why..

so here are some pictures that i love. my all time favourites.

so sad. no more beach holiday le.. because of 'monsoon'. yes changing weathers.

[IMG]http://i20.photobucket.com/albums/b201/tamaryeo/HPIM1105.jpg[/IMG"length=250 width=200"]
along 90mile beach.

plans for the weekend

2006-05-04T21:41:00.000-07:00

nike is sick. he vomited blood. thats really quite worrying eh..

this weekend is going to be quite packed. starting in about half hour. swee leong and calyn will be coming over to prepare for the time that we are going to have tonight for marcus, huichun and kim chun. my cg people are very passionate and excited! haha.. right now i am still slumbering. never mind when they come they will make me feel excited too.

its going to be an overnight activity. tml night going to the grad chalet. cant wait to spend some time with some of the people and get to know them better. free and easy is good. feel like bringing a book. haha.. but if i bring, i might become and introvert and read and read and read.

sunday night is going to be so fun! going to celebrate shirls bdae! yahoo!! very long never see and spend time with the youth team already. so heaps of anticipation in catching up with my old friends. yay!

may i see you in all of these.

*waves

2006-05-04T07:53:00.000-07:00

my favourite author's favourite author wrote:

i have been asked by some how I can be so certain in the existence of a good God, and i have asked them in return if they have eyes to see. God has woven himself irretrievably into nature; left his fingerpirints behind to show us where he has been. His signature is smeared into the curls of the mily way, forever circling above the rim of the world. God has scattered fragments of himself all about the earth like a father hides eggs in the yard before his son's very first Easter; higing behind a tree with laughing eyes and waiting to see which of the treasures his child will uncover first.

hmmm.. so maybe after reading this i should change my favourite author?

i am so so captivated by nature. extremely. the vastness, the mystery, the great unspeakable beauty, the colors, the sizes, the animals, the flowers, the smell. all these are God waving to me.

today i wish (many days i wish) that i can be back in new zealand. especially in queenstown. by the sealed dock by the lake. with my legs dangling from the wooden dock and the gentle sun warming my body while the breeze refreshes my spirit. i remember the sound of the water lapping, the birds that were flying around, the mountains just next to the lake. covered with mist. and i was reading a book. and i was pondering. i was just enjoying God waving hello to me.

i waved hello back too.

but today i was at home. there was no water, no mountain, no birds. but there was still book, there was this pondering. still a grateful heart. and you were still here waving hello to me.

i see trees of green. red roses too. i see them bloom for me and you. and i think to myself. what w wonderful world.

thank you.

2 journeys

2006-05-03T10:57:00.000-07:00

i had two journey experience today.

i took a cab home with a friend tonight after movie. the cab driver was super scary! i think he is drunk! he could not drive straight, he didnt know where he was going. his turns are not turns but swings. i never experience that much fear sitting in a cab before. its was really very scary. good thing my friend was kind enough to drive me home from his place. if not i may not be here to blog. *shudders when thinking of it

i toured around NUS today. the tour was nothing much. its the person that i toured with. few months back, i pray to lao pa that i would really love to have some personal time with this person. then she suddenly call me about a week back while i was in the library to ask me if i have leave to bring her around NUS. guess what i said? OF COURSE! haha.. the mysterious thing is that sometimes just by being with someone, and talkin, really strengthens me. just be asking her question and hearing her speak and share gives me courage. God bless angels like her. :) and yes i will mediate on john 20.

life is a journey of trusting more and more. blessed are those who do not see but still believes.

today is a gift. because its called the present. gratefulness for the present. gratefulness for every 'present'

thank you for listening to me.

a slow morning witha slow song

2006-05-02T18:03:00.000-07:00

So many years I heard it told
The story of compassion
A prodigal son who left the fold
And found no satisfaction
On my knees, Lord, I cried out to You
“I’m so alone
But if there’s room in Your house for one more
I’m ready to come back home?

I know there is a place
Where arms of compassion welcome me home
Sweet mercy falls like rain
I know there’s a place called grace

So many days I’ve trusted grace
Yet I have to wonder
How many times my human strength
Has kept me from surrender
The more I learn just to lean on the cross
The more I see
When I fall, I will fall to the place
Where mercy reaches me

I have been wanting to go this song and be ministered for almost a week. but just have been procrastinating. finally i did it this morning. went to my random room and play the song and search for the lyrics. i love songs with good lyrics dun you? this is one of those songs.

its not so much the place. but the person who is in the place.
yes i am learning to lean and to see that when i fall.. your mercy reaches me.

quoting someone:' the beauty of it all is that we have a God who is able to identify every thing that you are going through.' EVERYTHING. EVERY. THING.

get it? *talking to myself :p

place cells

2006-05-01T20:07:00.000-07:00

i learn in class this semester about something called place cells. when you go into a lecture hall and you are looking for your friend among the many people. the place cells will activate and you would be able to gravitate your vision towards where your friend is find the person quite quickly instead of scanning the whole crowd in a systematic way. i remember much of the mechanism of place cells. but i guess its true.

i gravitate to certain places in my life at certain time. my place cells are good friends with my emotions. different emotions lead me to go to different places in my house. take for e.g. at home. when i am feeling lazy, i gravitate to my parents room and park myself on their bed. *wondering if i am sleeping on my father's side of the bed or mom's - cos they changed often. and my father drools. :( when i want to be alone and dun feel like talking to anyone, i will go into my random room at home and just lie down on the floor and do some stuff. when i want feel happy, i usually go into my study room to play the piano or bring my dogs down for a walk. but most of the time, at home, i feel bored, so i go to the toilet. i visit the toilet quite often at home. another time where i go to the toilet is where i am very very sad. then i lock myself in the toilet and cry. so that no one knows. =p

i not only have place cells. but i have people cells too. these people cells seem to come with emotions too. i have an evoked set. a certain emotion, will evoke me to call some people or to talk some people. a friend recently told me, that in his evoked set, there is only one person, i am amazed. He only thinks of talking to lao pa about it. I am trying to learn this. the next time i meet him i will make sure he tells me the secret formula of running to the right place for help.

i woke up this morning and i thought of you.

you will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. a

to know

2006-05-01T07:47:00.000-07:00

to know.

this constitues two possible interpretation.
1. one can know someone through vehicles like wat others say, through reading, but it is possible to have all these knowledge but ignore it. so you know about that someone or that subject. but you dun know that someone of that subject.

2. or you can know someone through a relationship. a personal one. it is only possible when you do not ignore this person. then this is really knowing someone.

i am known weell. my every thought, my every smile. my every glance, my every worry and my every every song of happiness. my every intention, every desire and my every tear of sorrow. you never change. when i was in my mothers womb, you loved me from the start. and your longing for me never ceases.

It is I who have changed. It is I who always changes. so Now you say you will give me heart to know you well too. ok, i think i want that. so dun forget to give it to me ok?

jeremiah 24:7 I will give you a heart to know me that I am the Lord. They will be my people and I will be their God, for they will return to me with all their heart.'

heart means to mind. to understand.

it means to know.

its back. but not going to stay long

2006-04-30T11:52:00.000-07:00

unsettled.

yes unsettled is the word. believe that it is back to haunt me again. why why why?!
everytime you put me through it. maybe its because i have not learnt the lesson.
how how how?! i really dun want to go through it again.

whims and fancies. i allow it to come near to me. when i should chase it away.

guarding my heart. tight tight. holding a tight reign over it. but can i?

a place called grace

this time its not going to stay long

gifts

2006-04-29T10:03:00.000-07:00

the gift.

i fell in love with this song. 'the gift' about 2 years back. by sarah brickman. it has a really nice melody. but more than that, its always nice to be given a gift. its even nicer when people think that you are a gift in their life. but today, i realise something more about giving.

recieveing may be good. but if you recieve a gift and you know that the giver did not mean to give it to you, or had no choice but to give it to you, the value of the gift depreciates greatly. GREATLY! HEAPS! HEAPS! So giving is about the heart of the giver.

when i ask you for things, i always look out for what you end up giving to me. sometimes you do, sometimes you dont, sometimes you give me something else, sometimes it seems like you are not doing anything about my request. help me to know that its about your heart behind the gift and not the gift itself. its not about the hand but the heart.

prayer is not about answered prayers but about the one who answers prayer.

-----

i am trying to write this in the most matter of fact way. a cockcroach jumped on me just now while i was packing my room. it landed on my lips. i jumped onto the piano chair. and stood there for quite long. a friend called me and ask me if its romantic. -_- dun know what to feel when he said that. ran out of the room. up the stairs. open my parents room. called for help. my two dogs killed the cockcroach for me. they are the best. end of story.

------

now i will express my emotions. GROSSSSSSSSSSSSS TO THE MAX! abit pissed too. and now glad that its all over.

-----

ok i think my phobia of creepie crawlie is abnormal. must think of a way to overcome. one friend suggested flooding. i think before i overcome it, my heart would have jumped out of my mouth in the process. so have to think of other ways. maybe i should set up a forum for this. because i believe that many people would benefit from thsi discussion too.

the next time i talk about creepie crawlies. they would be peanuts to me. yes peanuts.

-_-

triangles

2006-04-28T21:18:00.000-07:00

its over. its really over. i cant believe. that my toughest semester is finally over. You are faithful. Thank you for being mindful of me.

now what i really feel like doing is to go and swim, to go to some beach and to enjoy it.. not any of the beach in singapore for sure. for sure sure.

i got fascinated with triangles last night. i think in primary school or secondary school. i learn that there are different types of triangles, there is equilateral triangle, isocelese triangle (spelt correctly). dun know wat else.

A triangle of events happened last night after my last paper. its 3 seperate episodes. its a trilogy. at first i didnt really like the 'triange' cos it was out of my plan. but then as my friend say, if you detach yourself from the going-ons. you will be able to see meaning and put things into perspective.

my original plans. go back and pack my room to get ready to move out. then stay in the room and watch 'while you were sleeping' or 'yours mine ours' or both. till about 10plus. and leave for home when keith comes. that was the original plan.

but the 'triangle happened'

one side of my triangle: first time, i saw a different side of someone. heart went out. had to stay. had to remain there. to just be with. anyway, i would prefer that to packing a hundred times over. as packing is boring, tiring and possibly heart failing (if some lizards decide to reveal its existence in my room) my friend in his own way. encouraged me to want to be like him in certain ways. i am sure lao pa is please with a son like him.

second side of triangle: i ultimately had to go back to pack my room. this i did. but it began at about 10pm. =p haha.. but then, it was more fun than i imagined. because i had another friend over to help me out! he was handy around. and strong too.. goodie. i told this friend, in the past, it was always my church friend that helps me. but its different this time. its a good change. we were quite fast. finished in about an hour. and had time to look at funny pictures and talk cock. =p

last side of triangle: this is actually a triangle in a triangle on itself. its amusing la.. anyway, i learn that triangles are sharp edged, so thats why they may poke you and hurt you sometimes. but well.. its not that bad. cos taking isoceles triangle as an example. there are two sides of equal angles right.. then the third side, is still part of it! its like moving towards something. the two sides (at another level) moving towards the one different angle in the triangle.

the good thing about triangles, in this triangle, is that its not instrument triangle (which has a smalll hole) but this trianlge is not so fanciful. its all sealed up. so nothing can run away. nothing can escape.

haha.. am i writing in circles. well.. but to me. things are clear to me as triangles!

remain

2006-04-26T19:59:00.000-07:00

remains.

well these word have two really different implications.

what is left behind after everything has been taken. after all the good things have been taken. that is the remainings. this is the negative meaning.

the other means to stay. to remain in. to be within.

well although both connotates different thing. its similar in one sense. its difficult to do both of it. i dun like to have the remains. i would like to have the best. and to be given the best. to be deemed as important and to be treated as important.

i find it hard to remain too. i like to wander. i like to go away. i like to do my own things. i have to learn to explore within the right territory. but its not just this, but my heart strays. yes it does. i wish it does not so much.

despite all that has been done and given to me. yet i still stray.

so now. i am teaching my heart to remain. in Him.

'take me deeper in love with you'
' where i find you '

trepidations

2006-04-25T22:53:00.000-07:00

funny things that happens in central prison (central library)

1. people sleeping. (there is the lie back use jacket to cover head gang) the president and founder of the club is matthew.

2. then there is I love NY guy. here he goes.. here he goes again.. marching up and down the library

3. of course, then there is german fanatic guy.. sitting at the corner with his black uniform.

finally finish my 5th paper today. i feel quite relieved and sleepy now actually. got only one more paper to go on friday. just cant wait for it to be over.

shirls bdae is coming!! happppppie birthday shirls. have been celebrating your bdae with you for about 5-6 years le.. cant remember. then this year, not going to be there. so sad.

my favourite word for this semester is trepidation. its means a state of fear and apprehension in what is to come. its one of the questions for my exam. and its how it feel about my future. and about some things that i am handling right now in my life.

the things that i do not want to do. i do. the things that i want to do. i never do.

2006-04-11T10:15:00.000-07:00

i threw away that one thing that was sitting at the corner of my room. no more things collecting dust there anymore.

so two pop pop! they just popped! popping stuff are fun! like bubbles like ballons. popping bubbles are more fun though. its harmless. popping balloons are more dangerous. they go POP! loudly. and then you blink! so these two pops. are balloons but also bubbles.

three-ty (30) survery more to do! what kind of mess did i get myself into! never knew that was wat i had to pay by being a research assistant.

one. two. three. four! four job opportunities! just a simple prayer. and an answer that i wanted. but is this wat i want? is that wat you want? is this what you want i want? or is is this is what i want you want?

sister 21st bdae is coming up in five days. today she called me. she said that her **** are not so *** cos i use to box it when we were young. and she claims that i box the ***** more. so its *******. she is wierd la. i know..

cant think of anything with 6,7,8,9

ten days more to exams. ten days more to someone birthday! :)

1 2 3 4 5 once i caught a fish alive.
6 7 8 9 10 then i let it go again.
why did i let it go? because it bit my finger so.
which finger did it bite? this little finger on my right.

so maybe good things bite..

collecting dust

2006-03-15T18:29:00.001-08:00

i have many things in my room. most of these many things i use it often. some are necessity so i keep having to replace them. some are just like my notes. pens, books that i have to scurry through often. but there is this one thing in my room.

it has been sitting on the top of my book shelf. for the longest time. ever since it was welcomed into my life, erh.. i mean room. it has been sitting in the same position. never change position. its something really practical and useful. mind you, not like soft toys or figurines. but it just stays there to collect dust. once or twice a day, it recieves a glance from me. but i never feel motivated enough to help it fulfill its purpose.

this item represents abit like the person who gave it to me. constantly in my life. talks to person often. but never get to fulfill the purpose of this relationship.

maybe there is something about this item. and something about me. that no extra mile was taken.

to think about it, i have many of such items in my life. some are useful and i should get it out of the cold palace, some of them should have never appeared in the palace. well..

its true. then. going the extra mile is good. its never crowded. however, its the mile you choose to go i guess..

is it worth it?

perceptions.

collecting dust

2006-03-15T18:29:00.000-08:00

:D

2006-03-09T08:59:00.000-08:00

smiling.

a smile is a smile only when it comes from a smiling heart!

smiling ...

when somone smiles at me, i smile back! its automatic. its contagious. its like yawning!

sometimes, all the things you do. to put a smile on someone face.

other times, no matter how lousy you feel. its just takes a smile to make things better. even if its just a little.

yesterday, i smiled silly-ly to myself. cos i was happy! grinning widely like a fool.

sometimes, just a funny thought, a happy thought, your face responds! without you knowing, you smile.

trying controling a smile. when you wanna smile, try controlling it. it actually is very effortful and sometimes its even painful!

yesterday, i heard from someone i have not heard for a long time. i smiled.

smiles are assuring. smiles are encouraging. smiles are real. smiles are happy. smiles are free!

little secrets in different pockets

2006-03-08T10:45:00.000-08:00

ok. so pockets are really cool are they not?!

i love bags, wallets, pants, skirts, shirts, with pockets! esp those small ones. big and deep ones are not too cool. things get lost inside them. you have to dig them out! effortful.

small pockets are quaint. handy. effortless. it contains only small things too! it contains little secrets. i have many secrets. many little secrets. putting them all in one pocket is not my idea of fun.

so

little secrets in different pockets. pockets of differnet aspect of life. pockets of friends. pocket of families. small pockets. but many.

guess that is what i have in life.

dun understand what i just wrote?!

me too!

unexpected delights in unexpected friendships

2006-03-07T09:51:00.000-08:00

unexpected things are always the best. they come. and then sometimes you dun even know its here. the realization of it is sudden. whether you realize it immediately. or realize it after a while.

so this is the story of unexpected friendship.

was never suppose to take this module. though some hiccups. managed to get this module 3 weeks into semester for zero points. that was a huge huge miracle on its own. (almost had to stay back one sem to do one module)

but least did i expect. the blessing was in unexpected friendships.

glimpse of some of it:
like minded ness.. lizard killing.. good food... discussing about kog and gems (not general education module ok!).. talking about life.. sharing burdens.. heaps of teasing. heaps of fun. but heaps of delighting in each other and in Him.

what more can i ask?! what more?!

oh just one more... no more lizards and bugs plesase. if possible. no more horse face too. banish these pests far far away!

Episode of the orange lizard.

it was creepy.
it was crawlie.
it was big.
it was ORANGE!
it died.

3/4 of byegone was used up. in an attempt to exterminate orange. also my room was re arranged in the midst of it. 3 guys. maybe 2. one stood outside with me.

it died.
but more importantly
it was ORANGE!

strange... mango! haha.. (orange is not my color for sure) no no not my color for sure.

so keep away all you orange thing! ALL!

2006-02-27T07:41:00.000-08:00

its hard to fathom wat someone is thinking

wondering what this behavior means
wondering what this word means
wondering what this action represents
wonder what this expression is hidding
wonder what is on your mind.

discernment. its important i guess.

well. its also hard to understand what i am thinking too.

but you are mindful of me! you understand my thoughts dun you?

had a wonderful time at dinner with two friends!~
enjoyment. ate at fei cui xiao long bao. tml going there too. prob eat the same thing!

rotation. cycle in life. snack, sleep, study, slack. not something i want.

2006-02-26T10:05:00.000-08:00

forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. see! i am doing a new thing!

a new thing.

a new thing.

A NEW THING!

2am in the night. still shout shout shout!

but new thing! i WANT!

PLS PLS PLS. give me a new h****. a new l***. a new u************. a new h******. a new f*****. a new d******. a new f*****. a new p*******.

wed is the day.. :)

going to west coast. hmmm.. the closest thing to browns bay.

the complexity of purity

2006-02-24T11:24:00.000-08:00

the complexity of purity.

long ago. pure orange juice= only orange juice. contains nothing else. But only orange juice. Pure orange juice. pure orange juice. Firstly, you dont know how this orange may taste. Look at the color of the peel? the size? the smell? the texture? still you cant know how it taste like. sweet? very sweet? sour? very sour? sour-sweet? Is this what i want? If given only one orange, is this the one? I may like it initially, but will i like how it taste? Or how it taste after a few sips? wanting one thing, but not sure if this is the one thing that you should want, and even if you are sure, can i continue to maintain this thirst?

interestingly, pure orange juice cant stay fresh for long. and then you want another fresh cup. or pure orange juice. maybe this time pure apple juice. maybe even just apple juice.

the complexity of purity.

a week of pampering self. and letting self being pampered.

Please lead me in your ways everlasting. and give me one heart. that will one thing. for my one life.

a series of small talk

2006-02-08T09:38:00.000-08:00

the power of small chat. small and short chats.

small and short chats are like flowers and breezes to my day. surprise bumping into friends, pleasant talks and updates, delighting in each other. small and short chats are almost magical!

so i will do some small short chat here.

sometimes life is like a circle.

its like you travel around the circumference of this circle and find yourself getting back to the starting point. so maybe its more of the process?

well or maybe should try some other shapes. if i keep staying on this circle, i will continue to circle around.

thank you lao pa for answering my prayers and seeing my heart and its concerns. thank you for giving me the chance to work with a professor. whether i do it in the end, i am not too sure, but thank you for opening the door for me. :)

BUT! I REALLY GOT BOATFUL OF WORK TO DO!
1. got a mid term test next week
2. got an essay due during mid term break
3. got 4 other essays, assignments and project due to the two weeks after mid term break.

welll.... just gotta give my best lo. anyway, you brought me so far didnt you?

happy birthday dad! it was nice to spend time with my family and eat dinner. they are the people in my life that will never be re-structured away. my24/7 help anytime i need them. i love my family to the max!

got a really nice yellow flower in my room now. its bright! but it looks like it is going to have a short life.

walking into another blog- bare footed

2006-01-31T06:13:00.000-08:00

the chinese new year holidays are over le. i thought that i would be having lots of time to rest and to rest. but then, i feel like i get more and more tired each day. not that its not fun. but just that it takes energy to relate with people.

what really interesting thing that happened was that one friend came over to my place. we talked talked and talked. made 1 realizations: there are 3 things that are cheaper in US than in singapore. and its 3cs. Its coke, car and condoms.

psychology of shoes. the shoes that you wear speaks about your personality. how does this sounds? an interesting thing to look into? besides doors, shoes would be my next icon i guess..

have heaps heaps heaps of work to do! but am going to do my best.
going to meet with tutor on thursday for dinner! going to watch cheaper by the dozen2 on friday. its my last youth service on sat. and my last youth clm.

and to my dearest princess chick: remember that you is better than one. if you fall down, i will help you up k! its going to all work out really soon!

two more weeks before mid sem break. jia you!!

scrambled eggs

2006-01-25T09:49:00.000-08:00

the thing that is so cool about him is that he is very elusive and evasive!

the thing that is so irritating is that he can drive you up the wall by twitching one small detail.

the thing that is so depressing is that i always take so long to deal with problems and pressures.

the thing i realise is that i have many friends and social support.

the thing that is so great is that it eventually works out in a better way that i knew and thought and expect.

today was the day that i tried to force open a closed door. then hurt myself badly. but realise that there is a side door (a more beautiful one that leads to a nicer place)

i guesss... i have to open up the right kind of eyes. ya.. i guess.

my emotions are like scrambled eggs. add some tears of salt. add some pepper of anger. beat it together. and then taste yummie! thats the wonder of the chef i guess...

fortunate accidents

2006-01-22T09:12:00.000-08:00

Yes. you win.

Happy?

I am. Cos i wanted you to win.

Help me overcome my fear and apprehension.

someone told me today. He goes with me everywhere.

Finding rest my soul

today

2006-01-18T21:59:00.000-08:00

today is not monday, not tuesday, not wednesday, not friday, not saturday and not sunday.

today it is sunny but it looks rainy too.

today i moved into my new room.

today is the day that i shall love, be hopeful and be joyful.

today, they are returning to new zealand.

today, i am reminded of you.

2006-01-12T08:54:00.000-08:00

is the weather clearing already? someone told me that the stars where he is tonight is shining real bright! the stars on my part of the sky has been covered by a dark blanket. its quite an uneventful sky. kinda calming. it reflects my day.

today was such a peaceful day. had a real calming effect. its true tat after you make the decision, and you are willing to accept whatever that comes together with it, you are at peace and at ease with your maker. its not too bad a feeling eh.. (things and their attached importance are slowly returning to their rightful places)

equilibrum is almost home. least for 2 more things. (still hopeful-friday is d day)

equilibrum does not usually last for a long time. because (things are their attached importance tend to wander away from their rightful places)

- two are better than one. because they have a good return for their work. if one falls down, his friend can help him up. but pity the man who falls (not me) and has no one to help him up!... a cord of three strands is not quickly broken.'

my cord is attached to more than 3 strands i think. old, new found, but all timely attachments.

higher ways than mine? come on! take your last move! i am waiting. i dun mind losing. actually i would like to lose. come on! bring it on!

final move

2006-01-12T01:40:00.000-08:00

'if you didnt want people to read your blog why post it? "

thats really true.

i have officially names my blog, 'the depressed one'

so if you are feeling slightly low. PLEASE! STAY AWAY FROM TAMARRR.BLOGSPOT.COM :)

am thinking of changing blogs. so that i can write what i want. and not just any random person can read about me hor... password guarded. idea? :)

maybe i should take a vote over here. if there are pple who read this blog, tell me what you think! for those that do not read this blog at all, then dun start! *sniggers

chinese new year is coming. chinatown here i come..

p.s. i have one last move. to see if you are the real winner ok? I am going to bring it on tonight! watch for it..

the war between cake and egg shells

2006-01-10T19:04:00.000-08:00

i just ate a piece of cake. and i bit into something. it has a crunchy texture and its small.. hmmmm.. could it be an egg shell? hmmm but it does not matters la.. its is not poisonous. just let it come out through my natural system.

this new year started off being like cake. many new hope, excitement and confidence in what is going to happen. but then i bit into egg shells. not one, but 5! it hurts like hell men..

on hind sight, all these happened for a good cause. prevented me from making a mistake in my studies. although had to pay a price for it.. but the i realised that the price was not as big as it was suppose to be. prevented me from sinking deeper into self indulgence. but it took quite a painful wake up call.

then there was the perpetual rain. ever since, i bit into these egg shells. it has been raining non stop. since sat to tues. 'soaking' rain. maybe all those egg shells, were just egg shells? not poisonous, small, insignificant, although it makes you feel uncomfortable at the begining? but the main thing was the cake?

maybe, just maybe. the cake=perpetual rain.

might be. the perpetual rain was telling me something. might be.

all these happen to me. but you care for me through others. i wanted answers for particular questions. you talk to me about other things. and made a bigger mess of those questions that i have.

ok you win!!

higher ways then mine

2006-01-07T21:12:00.000-08:00

its strange. really quite strange.

so yesterday we were in the room, crowded with people. the meeting that takes place once every month. then of course there were the laughter, the noise, the music, the singing. and then you said,' soak in my presence.' raining down in all areas of my life. i was like... okkkk. *not very convicted and believeing.

hp went dead. batt flat. came home. charged it. when i switch it on, i recieved a mesage that was sent to me twice from the same person. erh.. so my handphone has this strange problem. sometimes, part the the text cant be read.. cos it all appears in some kind of random symbols. so the first message from this person, had these random symbols. i was like ARGH! cos its one of those trusted few. then strangely, she sent me two of the same message. hmmm.. dun ask me why?! it read. the message says, 'remember to soak in e presence...'

its the same damn thing la!

you mean it possible that, even with the existence of human doubt and disbelief, He still does it. He still pursues me.

so...raining of presence in all places in my life right? ok good. had a late night. woke up sent a friend off. then went back to sleep. woke up. a random thought struck me! it was like a eureka moment to the reason why i was going through certain emotional struggles. ( this is a private struggle. no one knows about it. erh.. at least not yet.)

*listening to a song now. it says that there is nothing in this world for me. so i need to be rescued to be captured with grace. the former statement. is this really true?

so maybe highers ways then mine are working.

2006-01-06T07:57:00.000-08:00

i had a really good conversation with this friend just now.

he told me to wait upon the Lord and to soar on wings of eagles.

i told him to let go.

it was good.

still waiting. no answer yet.

always always

2006-01-04T19:00:00.000-08:00

i think maybe my favourite place in singapore is now shaw centre basement mc cafe! even though its dirty and the seats are uncomfortable.

BUT! I was there with one of my favourite people in the world yesterday. we talked and talked and talked. and we talked and talked and talked. i listened and listened and listened. my heart got lighter and lighter and lighter.

will always always remember. and when i say always twice. i mean it enough to mean always always.

i need one specific door to be open at this point of my life. or rather i need to know whether it is open or close. before i can know where you want me to go and do.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE GOD SHOW ME! OPEN IT CLOSE IT! GIVE ME A SIGN! I WANT TO KNOW FROM YOU! pls pls.... i never wanted to know so much. i want to know and hear from you. Please show me a sign. please please.... please.

waiting............ hmmm this word sounds familiar eh.. wait.

again

2006-01-03T02:11:00.000-08:00

erm...

guess am really affected by people and situations around me.

there is just but few trusted ones.

emotion is just a strange thing. it comes. without informing you. without approval. without giving you a call or at least an sms. then it comes.

leaves you hanging. and downcast.

tml a special time with someone at a secret place.
is one of the trusted ones.

-- The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer; my God, my strength, in whom i will trust. --

i shall not be in want?

2006-01-01T21:48:00.000-08:00

i will tell my heart:

- to be loyal
- to have only one desire
- to be kind and to love

* even in the darkest night
* or in the time where it no longer feels like it should
* in the toughest time
* and in great times

for no one else but you.

telling it everyday, everymoment, now. till my life is through.

love at harvard

2005-12-31T11:32:00.000-08:00

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!

this is the first korean drama that i watched that no main characters died! so strange!

haha.. its good though.

ok rachel soh is at my place now and at 3:30am on the first day of 2006, she is watching vcd. why am i not surprised? she has watched most of what i have already before (except the dogey ones..)

happy new year to all!

easily moved

2005-12-30T18:43:00.000-08:00

why does my heart strays?
Why does the yearning and thirst not be satisfied?
Why is it that i do not trust you enough?
Or maybe its just that i dun love you enough.
So thus my heart is so easily moved.

For all you have done.
For all you have given
For all you have taken in love.
For how you discipline.
And how you console and encourage.
For the people, for my family.
Through small things like secret smiles and knowing words.
and through big things too.
Yes my heart is still so easily moved.

I wish.
I wish for you.
To fill my yearning and my thirst.
To captivate me once again.
Till my heart is no longer so easily moved.

2006

PTSD

2005-12-28T19:50:00.000-08:00

I think i have PTSD: pre traumatic stress disorder

its round 1A now and i am bidding for 4 modules.

bio psych- which seems that is possible to get. with just one point
adolescent psych- which is not really predictable at the moment. but the number of bidders is rising
applied psych- the vacancy is only 24 and the number of bidders is now 21. hopefully no one wants to take it anymore.. so stressful men
introduction to social work- 20 spaces and right now got 18 bidders.

I pray that this time round. that i will be able to get ALL my modules for just one point!

bidding is a test of a person's heart condition.

virgin attempts

2005-12-28T09:02:00.000-08:00

today is a strange day. today is a really strange day. cos i met up with two person that i think is strange to suddenly meet with.

one of them is a brother serving in the youth. but today is the first time we talk so much! strange ah.. so near yet so far...

the other is someone i knew from long ago, then this brother text me over christmas.

so wala! 3 familiar strangers talked for 3 hours.

interesting. very intersting indeed.

tml bidding starts.....

indeed its the time of the year

2005-12-26T22:14:00.000-08:00

TO BID FOR MY MODULES!

this is going to be so super stressful i think i will die.

i gotta bid for 6 modules and i only got 400points left in my general account! i need a miracle to get all the modules that i want!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ok face problems already during advance bidding... can die...
cant take urban youth work le. think its only for sw majors. sad sad.
so going to do the 4 hours long seminar thingie.. gosh! haha.. sw3217!

so i have a long list of gen that is serving as BACKUP! cos the bidding system is UNPREDICTABLE!

this is the list:
GEK1512
GEK1519
GEK1511
GEK1521
GEK1533
GEK1030
LSM1301

hope to get at least two of these.

and realllllllllllliiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeee HOPE sheares hall will say OK to me!

ok val take your offer on the prescription of anti-depressants

one desire

2005-12-26T08:09:00.000-08:00

If i could have one desire before my life is through
Even in my darkest night my light would shine for you
You are my saving grace anchor of my soul
IN a world is turned upside down
I want you to know
You are my faithful friend
The ONe that i lean on
You always understand
With all that i am
I'll give you my deepest devotion i know
With all of my strength i wont let you go
As i look to you above
I will give you all my love.

-__-

2005-12-26T06:47:00.000-08:00

call this pms. call it mood swing. call it negativity. call it not being logical.
but for the past 24 hours. i have been feeling miserable. :(

it has always been said that for some, they attend parties, they go have the wildest and craziest time. but once they reach home and lie down on bed. waves of loneliness and emptiness hits them. this is not suppose to be for those that are not these 'some' right? so then why?

in the past three days. i had three huge parties. in the past three days, i was surrounded with heaps of people all the time. in the past three days, i was feeling lonely and sad all the time too. i can possibly attribute this affect to three *
*the time of the month
*deep concerns -frets frets
*tiredness from being host
my take on this is that it could be a contribution from all three.

sometimes i wonder whether others experience such a phenomenon:
sit down somewhere. and just do nothing but feel miserable.
i just did that.

maybe i should just fill my mind with things that i ought to take care of
1. bid for my 6 (6!!!!!) modules
2. go and photocopy the textbook
3. wait in anticipation for hallstay
4. restructure
5. develop the photos from nz
6. work on my scrap book

my sister who is 45kg just came in screaming. "I AM FAT! I CANT FIT INTO THIS SHORTS!'
-_- hello hello? then she started squeezing her fats in front of me and my poor cousin ( a 13 yr old staying with a houseful of girls that are really girls).

one highlight. MAYBE I GET TO GO TO AN ISETAN (private sale) on wed.its only by invitation. shopping makes me feel better always.

what do i really want? and if i get what i want, will i then be satisfied, content and happy? thats besides the point right? i am suppose to be content and happy now already. *i shall go ransack for my joyful church series now

a failed attempt to blog

2005-12-24T14:50:00.000-08:00

its 0650am and its christmas! yay!

right now there are still some random stray 'cats' left in my living room. sprawled on the floor. all tired from the whole night of endless play and too tired to go home too.

it was fun to have the people at my place..

highlights:

1. watch joseph and victor dance to carols

met a few people that i have not met for quite some time. its good to see them

fengqi, wynnie, sijia, claramae, berniah, shirley, ken and mingui. and of course~! swee yong!

initally wanted to blog about my thoughts about this christmas. but then while typing i am feeling my eye lid getting heavier and heavier. cmi

tml then

2005-12-23T17:48:00.000-08:00

3 places i would really love to go to:

1. new york over the christmas season :)
2. tuscany just with one special friend
3. japan in autumn

there is a secret chamber in my heart.
its an ugly chamber.
its green.
so! going to re-paint it.
today!
EVERYDAY!

tiny problems

2005-12-22T06:56:00.000-08:00

ok so it all began cos i had to get home from nus. usually its really simple. it just takes 2 ti-ti. one on bus 151 and one more on bus 156.

but then there was a tiny leetle problem. my ezlink card no money. so i came out with my first brillant solution!

go and top it up at the machine near nus library. walked there confidently.
but then there was this tiny leetle problem. after not using my atm card for 6 months. i forgot the pin number. so i came out with my second brillant solution.

go and buy something and get change! then i went to nus co-op and walked up and down the food section (2 rows) about 10times. finally i decided in pretzels (honey mustard onion flavor). it costed 2.70. after that purchase, i had 2.60 worth of change.

went to take first bus. 151. good good it was non air con. so not too ex.. i asked the uncle. "uncle go to cjc how much ah?' he said"very cheap. one dollar only.' ok! thats not too bad! so ching ching! one dollar!
but then there was a tiny leetle problem. i scared not enough for my next journey. so i came out with my third brillant solution!

go and call friends to ask them wats the most expensive option on SBS. called shirley. she said two things. 'you are hopeless' and 'i dun know' but then ethan said 2.10! i was like!!!!!!!!!!!#$%^&*&^%$#$%^&* die la.. not enough how! so i checked the chart! and i realised that my trip home costed 1.50! yippie! enough!!! got 10cents extra still.

checked. realised. had only 2.50 not 2.60 worth of change to begin with.

so my tiny leelte problems turned out to be not too tiny leetle. but then He is more than enough for me! maybe in this, He is JUST enough for me.

so thats my day with SBS.

the funny thing about choices

2005-12-18T09:23:00.000-08:00

when i need to decide on something, one thing likes to join the crowd. that is the funny thing about choices. . If you dun make a choice, then all choices haunts you. But after you make a choice, then you think about the other choice.

Maybe its a choice, only its a good decision made?

CHOICE!

questions

2005-12-17T08:35:00.001-08:00

is it really a fantasy?

does these things happen in real life?

can it happen in real life?

what exactly do i want?

questions

2005-12-17T08:35:00.000-08:00

is it really a fantasy? does these things happen in real life? can it happen in real life?

what exactly do i want?

2005-12-15T18:24:00.000-08:00

i realise now that tv is such a curse! when i was in auckland, the tv programmes were horrible! so there was time to do many things. now in singapore, there are so many channels and so many dvds! i have less time to do other things now.. so really really hope that i will be able to get to stay in hall. when that day comes, unless i lug one of my many tv at home, i will be able to spend time doing other 'stuff'!

its really strange that i do not really miss auckland. i think of the people. but compared to when i came back from norway previously, i realise that i take a much shorter time to adapt. maybe cos i have been there for long, and its getting boring there too. (not the people, but the place) and i miss home.

you know wats inside my heart now? wait. that is the word. waiting.

during the camp, we were suppose to write a letter which will be mailed back to us in 2 years. write what you see yourself in 2 years. this is wat i wrote.

'God, we are suppose to write what we will be 2 years down the road. to tell you the truth, I don't know. i really don't know.'

guess that about summaries it all.

there is an open door. but which is the one that is open? *props head and wonders*

i thought that i would be really excited about christmas. but am not really lei.. maybe i should take a walk down orchard road by myself. but its just too crowded la.. or maybe i should just take a walk down my heart.

soh family is coming le. heaps of party at my place. =D

2005-12-13T18:57:00.000-08:00

hi im tamar!
and today im here to declare
i really love to eat chicken rice!
go eat the chicken rice
at far east
cause quoting me
"ITS REALLY GOOD!"

am at queens

2005-11-27T23:44:00.000-08:00

am at queenstown yha now.just infront of me is a lake with mountains as backdrop. the time is 8:30pm but it seems like 7am in the morning in singapore. beautiful peaceful with the smell of breakfast (or rather dinner) cooking in the kitchen. wat a feast for all my senses....

my travels have been marked with great scenic views but yesterday was the best of it all. took 2 different cruises. one in the day to milford sound. it is only accessible by boat and plane. i thought it would be great but i never expect it to be that great! the second cruise was in the night to te anau glow worm caves...

10 more days in new zealand. i look forward to going home. what a great way to catch up with everyone in the youth camp. 10 more days before i leave this place. wat a mixed bowl of feeling. excitement, sadness.. and great gratefulness too..

my internet acess is stopping. penning off here

2005-11-17T19:09:00.000-08:00

this is the people in my minifellowship in my caregroup! :) got 2 boys missing in the picture
this is the jeep rav4 that i drove around with my mom.

this is the cutest boy in church- his name is junior.

yesterday was my last prayermeet. the leaders prayed for me and prophesised over me! :) how edifying. i will remember. will journal it down.

tml my aunt and family is coming. and then is my last caregroup. :) last time i will see the gang of people. they has grown onto me.. :)

lookin forward to going to the south. looking even more forward to going home! cant wait..

day trip and sporradic internet connections

2005-11-15T17:40:00.000-08:00

my internet connection was cut off from the now10 and i am lovin it!

it is good to be free from emails and msn from a while. and just read and do craft work.. :)

but i must confess that i am a thief. i have been stealing from my neighbour's (dun know which one) wireless connection. it is sporradic so the connection is unstable. but i seem to be able to do some basic surfing. but cant always get into hotmail and msn.

besides, my mom is here already. the first few days were... let says... dramatic.
and oh! my exams went really well. Thank God.

i have officially taken up a new hobby. officially because i realise that i have been un-officially having an affair with this hobby. Its craftwork! but now its specially scrap book making! ooooo.. so excited to make a scrap book of my time here in nz!

my aunts are coming on friday and we are going to the south next wed. and it will be farewell to auckland for good...

i think i should list some things that i would miss here. so that i can check on it if i really miss it when i get back.

not in order of priority
1. weather
2. museli bars
3. cooking in a cool weather
4. my apartment
5. the church people
6. auntie angela
7. lachel
8. walking to school, along queens street and k road
9. devon port and french market
10. parts of uni
11. dunkin donuts
12. (i wun miss the tv programmes here)
13. yummie breads of all sort

ok the list will be extended if i can think of anymore things.

tonight is movie marathon. kathy peggy nicky and i think some others will be coming over to watch dvd over night!

yesterday i rented a car to drive out with mum. it was supposed to be a nissan pulsar but then they gave me rav4 (this blue jeep) it was cool! drove to devonport, up the mountain to catch the view -mom dropped her specs there- she was really upset. then went to browns bay -mom picked up heaps of sea shells- then attempted to go up one tree hill but failed to find the right entry -there were 3 entries but only one goes up the hill-

drove to food town and need not lug all the groceries back this time! drove it back. and cooked dinner. i cooked veges and butter chiccken. yummie. should have taken pictures of the food i cook eh..

ok more photos willl be uploaded when i decide to do something about it..

.............................................................. hobson ....................................

2005-11-14T21:10:00.000-08:00

my mini fellowship.

Now you see it! (the specs)

Now you dun!

it is time

2005-10-26T15:43:00.000-07:00

finally the time has arrived, the hour has come.. for my first exam!

its great! the first paper is the easiest to study but i think also the least intersting. i am having to memorise chuncks of history with regards to the new testament. hehe.. but its not that bad cos my lecturere told us the exact questions that are coming out for the exam..

i will be blgging in another 10 hours. cos i wonder how the exam system here is like.

hooooo

angels in my life

2005-10-22T18:53:00.000-07:00

last night, i was studying till about 2am. then jinqi suddenly just msned me. :) then she said something, 'tamar, i really miss you. i mean really.' and i was like .... so touched !

sometimes when you are just feeling so crappy, God will just send some people to make my day that leetle bit better.

went to devon port today. its a nice little place. i bought a book for rachel, for angela and for chandra's children! :) then ate the famous fish and chips! it was good.

there was another angel, someone read my last post, and this angel cared enough to ask me what it was all about. haha.. and this angel has a really angel like name. she is super cute la! she said:"who so bad... talk negative things..' so cute la! haha.. reminds me of the time she said to me in email before, ' aiya dun need to scare la, we will sayang you.'

God, thank you for sending people like this into my life.

oh! and aaron died today! and i got a new friend called raphael! he was so sweet! he gave something like a grammy award kinda speech during his testimony and bought some of us some gifts to thank us! it was great to see people being water baptised. the sincerity of the testimonies, the excitement, the love and support given by people around. like always, water baptism strikes a cord in me...

ok! some singaporean friends are comin over tonight to eat dinner and to wipe out the ice cream. previously, we had mikale, sarah, angela and rachel to come over to eat ice cream. we still had 4 tubs left. so now, this is the second ice cream party in three days! :p

i got heaps of work to do. .. alot alot.

laopa ni zhi dao wo de xin qin, qing ni bang bang wo. xie xie ni. shi ni bu shi wo.

talk talk talk talk talk talk talk

2005-10-21T19:54:00.000-07:00

likewise the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. with the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God's likeness.

just got back from ccm. it was a really intersting one cos of 2 factors. #1. i lost my voice while leading worship. #2. it was the annual general meeting. but this is besides the point. i am bothered about somethings.

its just so so so tiring to talk with some people. so tiring. so draining. to hear them rattle on, to pretend that you understand. (even though you should not be like this) but what would you do in such a situation? - your friend talks about something, and expects you to listen? to comment? to agree? to express your true opinion? sometimes its so hard to figure out what to do.. so i guess have to think wat He thinks i guess. and say what He would say.

i realize that i get turn off in 2 situations. 1. when people talk about themselve 24/7, regardless whether the opposite party wanna listen. 2. negative speech. excessive bitching about someone else, complaints, bad spirited speech. those belonging to category 2 i have a hard time dealing with. maybe its myself, if i am more selfless, and more patient and sympathetic. *shrugs* but guess one thing i learn is that i should not have such speech patterns.

http://www5.gamesville.lycos.com/html_poke/poke_penguin.htm
i usually dun feel this way. haha.. but i guess its like the link above. sometimes, there is a last straw to what one can take right?

learning to deal with these things! haha.. is prob good. cos if i really become a psychologist, i am going to hear LOADS OF NEGATIVE SPEECH WHICH HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME! so might as well learn to deal with it now.

19 oct

2005-10-19T10:04:00.000-07:00

the weather is refreshing. it brings happiness. it makes you feel light hearted! the sun is out. the wind is almost gone. the humidity never comes. so it is so warm and cool at the same time. i feel that the buildings look nicer in spring too. and plus the grass and flowers that are racing to sprout out! haha.. and albert park is sprawled now with flowers and also people. like in london! everyone is lying on the grass. recieveing the long awaited sunlight. its a new begining!

talking about light-heartedness. or maybe talking about the heart. the life of the heart is a place of great mystery and wonder. heartless, have a heart, heart of gold, black hearted, broken herted, heartaches, heart to to heart talk and lastly lose heart. It is in my heart that we first hear the voice of people that we love, of God and in this heart that we will come to know these people and also laopa. I must admit that for a period of time, i lost my heart. in chinese, it says 'zhuo shi mei you sin' (do things no heart-direct translation) On sunday, the stories and spirit found it way to my heart.

finished reading journey of desire. haha.. opps.. rate it maybe 3 stars. not fantastic la.

going to meet angela. hope she wun ask me about 'it'. but i think she will la.
p pae called me on fri! :)

praying for raph's mummie.
thinking of central 1.

excited to go for the youth anniversary.

miss nike and oscar.

ok those were the last of my random thoughts.

2005-10-13T10:03:00.000-07:00

9:54am. enjoying my daily morning routine. wash up. put the water to boil. make milo. (4tea spoons of milo and 1 teaspoon of sugar) devotions. worship. and then change and get ready for school. today i got some extra time so can come here to blog abit.

i know my future is in your hands. All of my hopes and dreams and plans. you give me strength to live and faith to succeed. i believe in you because you believe in me.

this song just came to mind. yesterday i was just thinking, 1 am almost 1/3 thru my life le. and in the eyes of man, i have not accomplished much. and when i see myself in this way, i am discontented and dis appointed. but then, God judges not the appearance but wats inside. so i believe that he is doing a good work in me and is continually doing so. i will hence trust that my future is in his hands. That all of my hopes and dreams and plans (i have lots of these). That he will give me the strength and faith to accomplish them.

the irritating thing about blogs is that many people can read it. so i cant just say what i want to say. haha.. cos i dun want people like you (who is reading) to know too much about me! haha.. nevermind i got my journal. will go pen down my thoughts instead.

anyway, you didnt forget. i can feel spring coming alot. there is a spring in my step too!